Congressman Nixon Apologizes to Führer Dönitz for American Imposition

BERLIN, October 10 – In a subcommittee hearing this morning, freshman Congressman Richard Nixon (R-CA) formally apologized to surviving Third Reich leader Karl Dönitz for invading occupied France.  

Bucking the trend of blaming Nazi leadership for invading other countries, looting their resources, raping and murdering their citizens, and admonishing them for committing genocide, the Gentleman from California made a formal statement to the convicted war criminals.

“I am ashamed at what happened at Normandy two years ago,” said Mr. Nixon in an open session.  With a red face and a sweaty upper lip, Mr. Nixon proceeded with his two-minute statement, requesting forgiveness for Allied invasion of Vichy in June 1944.  “Sure, there was tension, and you were definitely in the wrong for bombing London, but to make you victims of a one-size-fits-all federal government that was out to squeeze you from the outset… that was wrong, sir.  That was worse.”

While most congressmen and senators were reviled by Congressman Nixon’s statements, other politicians shared his sentiment.  Governor Strom Thurmond of South Carolina, in an interview with CBS’ Edward R. Murrow, spoke openly to Mr. Dönitz.  “Herr Dönitz is not to blame for murdering twenty million people.  These are the risks you take when you engage in a war.  We were out-of-line when we freed those slaves from your labor camps.  Sorry.”

“This is a tragedy of astronomical proportions.  An entire country has been bullied into non-existence by our socialist-communist administration.  Entire industries – destroyed,” said Senator Joseph McCarthy.  “Make no mistake, my fellow Americans, this inefficient, large-scale government will victimize you, just like they victimized the SS.” 

This marks the latest in a series of strange apologies that began in 1933 when late Chicago Mayor Anton Cermak apologized to Giuseppe Zangara for taking the bullet meant for President Roosevelt.  Mr. Zangara accepted the apology.

NBC: Gary Coleman to Star in Fall Situation Comedy

    NEW YORK, June 7 -- Former child star Gary Coleman will be starring in a brand-new show in NBC's Fall 2010 lineup, according to NBC spokesmen.  The situation comedy, "Book Learnin'" will feature Mr. Coleman as a community college professor who inspires inner-city children to succeed academically and in their daily lives.  This will mark almost twenty-five years since Mr. Coleman's last television series, "Diff'rent Strokes."

    "I've been looking for a project that would get me back into television.  At first I was hesitant to get back in bed with NBC, but when I saw the script I knew I this was an opportunity I could not pass up," an emotional Mr. Coleman said.  "I am so glad that the producers approached me with this."

    "For years the entertainment community has turned its back on Gary, and for no good reason.  He is, and always has been, a major talent.  When I saw that Gary was attached to this project, I just knew we had to greenlight it," said Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC's entertainment division.

    "Book Learnin'" features Mr. Coleman in his first starring role in more than twenty years. In the show, Mr. Coleman will portray Professor Merwyn Cates, a prestigious Ivy-League professor who chooses to leave the ivory tower of upper academia to take a job teaching History at an inner-city community college in Chicago.

    "These days it seems like every TV protagonist has to be flawed in a major way, as if it's cool to have your hero act like a jerk.  My character isn't a jerk.  There are no questions as to why my character is doing what he is doing teaching these kids," said Mr. Coleman.  "He is just a great guy, and by being as good as he is, he inspires his students to be great people, too.  It also helps that he's really funny!"

    Surprisingly, Mr. Coleman's parents have joined the project as executive producers for the series.  This is extraordinary as Mr. Coleman has repeatedly accused his parents of absconding with his multi-million dollar fortune to the point of self-parody.  "I've learned that it doesn't pay to hold grudges and stay angry at my parents.  It's hard enough going through life with this constant anger, I was so tired of it... so I decided to let bygones be bygones, and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders."

    "We love our son and we are so happy that he has forgiven us," said Sue Coleman, Mr. Coleman's formerly estranged mother. "I look forward to working with Gary everyday and getting to tell him I love him everyday and how proud of him we all are."

    "Book Learnin'" will air Thursday nights at 9pm Eastern/8pm Central and Mountain on NBC, debuting on Sept 16th.