Governor Paterson has shown support for sanctioning ultimate fighting. "Legalization of mixed martial arts boxing will bring new, and much needed, tax revenue to the State of New York," the Governor said in a press conference today. "I am wholly in favor of it... I can't wait for it to start. Ultimate Fighting is going to save this state, you watch... I... I... Just please don't hit me! I can't see very well and I just want to go home! Please!"
Dana White, president of Ultimate Fighting Championship, who lobbied for Ultimate Fighting to be legalized in sporting arenas was caught off-guard by the Senate's measure. "Look, I'm all for mixed martial arts, but I want it in a place where we can sell seats. How many people can we fit in the State Senate chamber anyway? How do we set up the cameras if the fights can happen anywhere in the room?"
The first Main Event will feature two bitter political rivals, former State Senate Majority Leader, Joseph L. Bruno and former New York State Governor, Eliot Spitzer.
"That little spoiled brat is finally going to get the good, old-fashioned ass-kicking he deserves. I'm going to beat him senseless and send him back to mommy," said Mr. Bruno as he bobbed and weaved, avoiding a pack of swarming FBI agents.
"I'm a little spoiled brat and I'm finally going to get the good, old-fashioned ass-kicking I deserve. He's going to beat me senseless! I'm so excited!" replied Mr. Spitzer, who was sporting fishnet stockings and a leather mask.
"It's time to put an end to this," said Senator Hiram Monserrate, a featured fighter on the Undercard. "The corruption of the Democratic leadership under Malcolm Smith is no match for the cold steel of my blade. Malcolm 'the Majority Leader' Smith will feel the wrath of Hiram 'the Slasher' Monserrate!"
One of the under card matches is a surprise pairing of former cross-aisle allies, Senator Dean "Mr. Sweaty" Skelos (R) and Senator Pedro "The Commuter" Espada (D). "Things had been tense between these two for months. It'll be great to see them go toe-to-toe at UFC Albany," said Governor Paterson.
"Hell hath no fury like a Republican scorned!" exclaimed Senator Dean Skelos. "Thou shalt feel my rod and my staff on your tax-and-spending, melon-shaped head!"
Senator Espada was not available anywhere in his district for comment, but did broadcast a message on YouTube from an undisclosed location. "Dean Skelos talks a good game, but he has to find me first. Then I'll teach him the meaning of the word 'respect...' Hey, where is the nearest CVS? I have to get the guy at the counter to photoshop my head so it looks like I was at a Yankee game."
Enthusiasm has spread to the State Assembly, where Sheldon Silver has promised to fight in the octagon, lose badly, and then hire his own law firm to sue his victorious opponents.
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