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ALBANY, NY -- Governor David Paterson (D-NY), in an effort to make up a budget shortfall of almost $18 billion, has declared that he will cut state funding for vowels. In a press conference in Albany, Governor Paterson announced the cuts that will affect the classic Roman alphabet letters, A, E, I, O, U and Y. The cuts will be made effective by the end of the next paragraph.
“This is a decision that nobody wanted, but it needed to be made. By eliminating these vowels, the state will save approximately $7 million in this fiscal year alone,“ said the Governor. When asked about the fate of the letter Y, which often functions as a vowel, the Governor stated that emergency funding will be made available in the event the Y must be used as a consonant. “Otherwise,” he said, “all state communications, including oral, will be limited to consonants that do not include Ys.”
This is the latest in a series of cuts the Governor has made to keep the crestfallen state government afloat, and the move has angered his critics, most notably, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “There is no doubt the governor means well, but like all the other cuts he has made, removing vowels from the alphabet is incredibly misguided and will disproportionately hurt those in New York City and its surrounding areas the most.”
White Plains mayor Adam Bradley, who spoke to reporters while paramedics tended to his swollen knuckles, agreed with Mayor Bloomberg. “Really… this will cripple us. While those counties north of Westchester, Orange and Rockland may not feel the effects of these cuts, we will. Unlike them, we can read.”
In the meantime, Mayor Bloomberg has volunteered to dip into his own personal fortune to make up for the state moneys that the City will not be receiving. “If it means keeping vowels in the communications of the City of New York, I will most assuredly pay the difference – just as soon as someone finds me my change purse.“
Mr. Paterson’s nominal political opponents are divided on the issue of vowel cutting. Some moderate Republicans have applauded the cuts, stating that it is a step in the right direction. Others claim that it is too little, too late.
Citing former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s policy of making all communications less than 140 characters, New York State Assembly Minority Leader Brian Kolb (R-129th District) issued the following statement, “Thiz iz bul. U ned vowls. U cn cut da alphbt & stil hv nuff rm 2 mk ur stmnts lejble. Tme&tme agn guv fals 2 step up 2 da pl8 fr NYS txpyrs.”
Other New York State politicos have weighed in, including perennial Independence Party gubernatorial candidate Tom Golisano, who took a break from skinning and roasting a migrant worker to speak with Brit Hume of Fox News. “For years, we’ve been leading the fight not only to eliminate vowels, but also consonants, which have plagued the state since its inception. We’ve said this before, we already have all of these numbers. We can use numbers to communicate. After all, it’s only common sense.”
When asked to illustrate how a strictly numerical alphabet would work, Mr. Golisano produced a calculator and typed 58008, which when turned upside down, displays the word, “boobs.” “This is only the beginning,” stated Mr. Golisano.
“NYrs mst mk d w/cnsnnts ntl cnmy mprvs,” Governor Paterson reiterated. “Ths s sd dy n NYS hstry.”
These are the most severe cuts since March, when all New York State public school teachers had their personal assets seized by Albany, were slaughtered and subsequently recycled to produce Soylent Green.
