OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT: Michael Vick Speaks to Children in Virginia

I took a page out of my cousin’s book for this one. I hope he doesn’t mind.



On November 30th, disgraced football player MICHAEL VICK made a surprise visit to his alma mater, Huntington Middle School, to speak about his troubles and motivate children as part of his conditional release from prison. Hundreds of Newport News-area seventh- and eighth-graders gathered in their auditorium to listen to what MR. VICK had to say about dog-fighting, football and peer pressure. Here is the transcript of their interaction:

MR. VICK: Hello children, I’m Michael Vick. Some of you may know me from being a football player. I played for this school, I went off to Virginia Tech and played there and then I was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. From the time I was your age, I’ve spent my life achieving against all odds. Whether it was in football or in the classroom, which is just as important, it is always important to do your best, to give your best effort.

Now, you won’t always succeed. I’ve succeeded because I have incredible physical talent, but I’ve also failed. You will also fail some of the time, but if you always give your best effort, you will have nothing to be ashamed of. So the moral of the story is, always give your best effort. Thank you.

THE CHILDREN begin to applaud. MR. VICK’S LAWYER approaches him, whispers in his ear, and retreats.

MR. VICK: Right, right. Well, kids, I also want to talk to you about peer pressure. See, at one point I had everything going for me, but I fell in with the wrong people and I ended up paying for it by going to prison for almost two years. Don’t ever, EVER, do something just because your friends told you to. Make your own judgments and be your own man. Thank you.

THE CHILDREN applaud again. MR. VICK’S LAWYER turns and looks to the FEDERAL PROBATION OFFICER. The FEDERAL PROBATION OFFICER shakes his head. MR. VICK’S LAWYER shakes his head at MR. VICK.

MR. VICK: Peer pressure can ruin your life. I thought I could trust my friends when they said I could make millions of dollars raising pit bulls to fight for sport. They told me how simple it could be to buy a large piece of property, build a warehouse to keep and fight the dogs, hire dog-breeding experts and dog-fighting trainers.

Then my friends told me that all I had to do was spread the word that I had a bit pull ranch and dog fighting arena, and to invite them to fight their own dogs with mine and bet money on them like it was a boxing match in Las Vegas. My friends said it would be easy money for me and that I should do it.

Well, needless to say, my friends were wrong. They were so wrong, and I was wrong to listen to them. They told me to come to the ranch and watch as amateur veterinarians drugged pit bull bitches in order to extract all of their teeth so they would be helpless when they attempted to breed them with other vicious pit bulls… and I did. I went and I watched… because I trusted my friends.

My friends also said, “Hey Michael, why don’t you come watch the fights and bet on your dogs? It will be fun!” So I did. I watched. I bet on them. My friends told me it was OK and I listened to them. After the matches we would kill the dogs that failed by shooting them in their little dog heads. I watched because my friends told me I should.

My friends said that this wasn’t wrong so I believed them even though there was this little voice in my head that said, “No, no. Don’t do it. Don’t invest hundreds of thousands of dollars to create a factory of brutality, cruelty, death, and ILLEGAL GAMBLING! I forgot illegal gambling! I knew it wasn’t right in my heart but I did it anyway because my friends told me it was ok.

So learn from my mistakes, kids. Don’t let your friends lead you down the wrong path, or you will end up just like me!

Now, I would like to answer your questions, so speak up one at a time and speak loud so everyone can hear you.

CHILD #1: Why did you do it, Michael?

MR. VICK: Like I said, I fell in with the wrong crowd. I should have never listened to my friends. OK, next question, please.

CHILD #2: Yeah, uh, what are we supposed to do if our friends tell us to build a giant dog-fighting arena? I mean, it’s tough to tell your friends you don’t think it’s cool.

MR. VICK: I’ll tell you what you should do. Do exactly what I didn’t – say “no.” Say “it’s wrong and I won’t do it!” Do that, and you won’t end up in federal prison like I did.

CHILD #3: Yeah, now that I know that I’m not supposed to build a giant dog-murdering farm, what’s a smarter way to spend my time?

MR. VICK: Good question! What can you do that is smarter than building an Aushwitz for man’s best friend?

If I had it do all over again, I’d probably just stick my dick in a microwave oven. It’s just as self-destructive but it costs less and it’s slightly more challenging. The only thing you have to worry about is sometimes you can end up in the hospital and even though it’s supposed to be confidential, the story will get out through rumor and you’ll end up being stared at like you're RICHARD GERE.

Anyway, thank you all for coming and not making me feel like a total douche. Now I only have thirty-nine more school appearances to make. Goodbye kids!