... and then the Robot Pulled a Knife

I saw Avatar at a 3-D IMAX theater this Monday, and after a significant period of nausea, was finally able to enjoy it.

Nobody likes a critic with an upturned nose.  In fact, one of my favorite characteristics as a Jew is that my nose more is hook than pig.  You need to understand that even though I was skeptical of Avatar before I saw it, I really latched on to it once I saw the blue people with the magic ponytails.  They were great. 

It really says something about Cameron that he could create a race of people, illustrate them, give them their own facial expressions, turn them blue and convince you effectively, for almost three hours, that they actually exist.  It’s called willful suspension of disbelief, and it’s a literary formula utilized by every author of every piece of fiction ever created.

Throughout the film I was able to keep that suspension going. 

Oh, it was tested.  Trust me.

First, let me just say that Mr. Cameron did everything he could to make the aliens sexy, but he failed, and he also failed to make them sexual.  Case in point – no nip-slips.  Zoe Saldana ran around for two hours with nothing but a tiny piece of loose cloth for a top and that top did not move at all.  I wanted to see what an alien nipple looked like and never did. 

Also, the male avatars only wore tiny, loose, loincloths.  Now, I’m not gay, and more importantly, I’m not into blue people, but I was still so curious to see what alien balls looked like.  I don’t care how tight those loincloths were, if you jump from enough trees onto dragons, your balls are going to flop around.  No balls got loose in Avatar… sorry ladies.

But the alien elements didn’t challenge my suspension of disbelief – it was the human element.

For instance, within the context of the film, it is believable that there is a nine foot-tall, blue avatar representation of a human being.  It is a problem, however, when the blue, nine-foot avatar representation of a human being is wearing a Stanford University t-shirt.  Excuse me, but does one alumnus cum-avatar-representation justify the production of a new t-shirt size?  Where did she pick up one of those Size A(vatar) Stanford t-shirts? 

The final nail in the coffin of my willful suspension of disbelief was hammered home in a hand-to-hand combat scene between an Avatar and a human being who was utilizing a giant robot warrior exoskeleton.  I can dig it.  I saw Aliens, and when Sigourney Weaver used a robot exoskeleton to kill the Alien Queen, I was on-board the entire way.

What set me over the edge in the similar scene in Avatar, was when the man in the exoskeleton pulled a giant robot hunting knife.  Excuse me… what is a robot doing with a knife?  More importantly, why does he have a hunting knife?  And he pulled it out from nowhere.  No worries, though.  I’m sure it will be in the deleted scenes of the DVD release.  In fact, I have a transcript.

  ENGINEER:  So, Colonel, is everything copacetic with
                    your giant, robot exoskeleton killing machine?

  COLONEL:   I’d have to say it is, but there is something missing… 
                    Ah, a knife!

  ENGINEER:  A knife? What would you…

  COLONEL:   Yeah, a hunting knife!

  ENGINEER:  Why a knife… why a hunting knife?

  COLONEL:   You know, for battle.

  ENGINEER:  OK, well we have this other function that will
                    extend a blade from the elbow through the palm
                    of the hand.  It’s bigger and sharper than a
                    hunting knife and it fits neatly within the arm -–

  COLONEL:   Bullshit, I want to be able to pull a hunting knife in battle!

  ENGINEER:  They don’t make hunting knives in your size, Colonel,
                    and this extendo-blade gives you incredible versatility –-

  COLONEL:   No, I want to be able to PULL a knife!

  ENGINEER:  Pull it from where?

  COLONEL:   From my belt!

  ENGINEER:  Robots don’t have belts! 

  COLONEL:   Well, why not?!

  ENGINEER:  Because they don’t have pants! 

  COLONEL:   Horseshit!  I want my giant, robotic exoskeleton
                    killing machine to have a belt, a sheath...
                    don’t forget a sheath, and a giant hunting knife!

  ENGINEER:  You want a belt and a sheath… Gevalt… 
                    Now I have to go find some giant cows for leather…
                    Hey, how about a matching hat, you fucking idiot?

So, in summation, there are problems with Avatar, but as a whole a great movie.  Have fun.

  

Fun with Israeli Hate Cartoons

This morning I woke up to find a strange, hateful, political cartoon on my facebook news feed page that wasn't American.  

Regrettably, I don't speak Hebrew anymore.  I had to ask my always helpful Israeli cousin for the translation, which reads, "If you will it, it is no dream," which for those of you who haven't seen The Big Lebowski, is a famous quote by Theodor Hertzl, the quasi-George Washington of the State of Israel.  Supposedly, this cartoon depicts Ol' Man Hertzl stabbing a present-day, left-wing, female, Israeli politician, who is depicted as a dragon.  

Now, I am from the school that you never make fun of a woman's looks (unless that woman is Sarah Palin).  It is rude and ungentlemanly.  It is also a no-no for me to depict cartoon violence against an actual person, and even more so, a woman.  It gives me the creeps.  

I'm also not a bonafide Israeli history buff, but from what I remember from Hebrew school, Hertzl was remembered more for his vision and leadership, not for his spearmanship or stabbing ability.  I would have remembered that.  They were really into teaching us smiting at Hebrew school.

But the worst part of this cartoon isn't its intent, but, and please forgive the pun, its execution.  I have no idea who these people are, but I should be able to tell what's going on, at least in a general sense.  I can't.  I had to find out in an article what was actually happening in that cartoon.  Does that even look like a sword or spear to you?  Is there any expression at all on Hertzl's face?  Why is the dragon bleeding water?  In American political cartoons, if the identity of a character is not apparent, his name will be written on or next to him.  Not here.  Hertzl looks like your average depiction of a Hasidic Jew here.  Sure, the "If you build it, he will come" text may make him slightly easier to identify, but overall, this cartoon is what a critic might call "piss-poor."

On the other side of the coin, my inability to read Hebrew and the vagueness of the events of this cartoon allow me to insert my own translated captions.  Enjoy.

 

"I'm not touching you with a ten-foot pole until you pop that thing!"

"I know we're alone, but this is still the only way we can dance together!"

"Nobody will do the Limbo until you tuck in your tail!"

"Fine, the next time we role-play, I'll be the dragon and you can be St. George.
That costume doesn't even fit me anyway.  We look ridiculous like this!"

I invite you all to write your own captions for this hideous piece of artwork.  It's not a contest because I don't have a prize to give you, but why not compete out of a sense of sport.

 

"Mom, I did my homework.  Let me go pole vault!"

See, the possibilities are endless.