ACTION PLAN FOR THE NEW ERA OF RESPONSIBILITY

It has been in vogue for sometime to blame the poor for lacking the “Protestant Work Ethic,” and labeling them as stupid or lazy. How long has this been the viewpoint? How about forever. Though Charles Dickens, a fairly good social commentator, exposed the hypocritical nature of this viewpoint (i.e., A Christmas Carol, Oliver Twist, Great Expectations, etc.), it never actually caught on.

Frankly, I’m sick of it. So I’ve decided to point the finger the other way.

The Ill Will and Everything Else Inc.
New Era of Personal Responsibility

I’ve decided that “personal responsibility” should be the hallmark of my future rise to power. Yes, that’s right, I will be Emperor one day, and this is what I intend to do to restore personal responsibility to our culture… and hopefully this will encourage the right people to take responsibility for themselves.

1. The elimination of legal rights for Corporations

Would you ever dare to poison the water or kill people with cigarettes and asbestos if you weren’t protected by a legal clause that can only fine you and not imprison you? Maybe.

Corporations generally make their employees faceless and non-complicit in their actions and unless they end up getting called before Congress, they will never be prosecuted, nor pointed out for the ridicule they deserve. Their companies will be sued and fined, but they can always change their names, and their employees can just move along to other high-powered jobs and do it again, just like a child-molesting priest.

Well, now they will be criminally culpable, so think twice before you sell a product that causes the destruction of people and institutions. Weigh the consequences again now that the rules have changed and ask yourselves whether that private jet will be worth getting drawn and quartered.

2. Destruction of Sub-Prime Mortgage Lending Institutions and the Summary Execution of their Executives, Lenders, Employees and Independent Brokers.

Why do I have to pay taxes for people who defaulted on mortgages they could never afford?

Well, I couldn’t agree more.

It’s popular to blame people who used sub-prime mortgages to purchase their homes, only to lose them later when they lost their jobs or their rates jumped. Who couldn’t have seen this coming?

Well, I could. So could a lot of other people, including the rat bastards who sold them. You see, if you tell people that yes, even they can own a home, and that it is a great investment, and yes, they can afford it, then they will buy it. Nobody looks to purchase a house they will lose in two years, douchebag.

You will all be burned at the stake. The flames, of course, will be ignited and stoked by of all the Salesman of the Month plaques you people earned.

If you hard-sell a product, you’re more complicit than the person who buys it, which leads us to the next step of my action plan…

3. Destruction of all fast-food restaurants, and the summary execution of all employees at their respective Corporate Headquarters and Franchisees... but not their store employees.

Why should I have to pay taxes to pay for people who ate their way into obesity, heart disease and Type II Diabetes?

Well, I couldn’t agree more.

There is a saying, “Fifty million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.”

Who doesn’t love a Whopper? They’re great. That’s why they’re popular. McDonald’s serves over 80 billon people. Their fries are incredible. The question is, do you blame hundreds of millions of people for buying them, or do you blame the handful of corporations who sell them?

Hey, if the Big Mac didn’t exist, nobody would buy it. But it does, so everybody is fat and has Type II Diabetes.

Executives and Franchisees, prepare to be eviscerated and disemboweled. Every time I eat a Whopper, that’s what I feel like afterward, and now you will feel the same. Your last task before you die will be to watch hundreds of hours of footage of the destruction of your various establishments throughout the country. Like your fries, the land you purchased for your franchises will be salted so that nothing else may grow there.

4. Prohibition of the sale of alcoholic beverages to anyone over the age of sixteen.

OK, I don’t expect prohibition to be successful. It doesn’t mean I can’t have it on my action plan. The problem with alcohol is that its side effects tend to bleed over and well, kill other people. Drunken parents drive their kids the wrong way on the Taconic Parkway. Drunk parents beget and abuse children, who then become drunk parents. Drunk people get into fights and kill each other all the time.

Samuel Johnson said, “He who makes himself a beast, gets rid of the pain of being a man.” No-no. We’ll be having none of that now.

The only people we can trust with alcohol are those who are too young to drive, own guns, or parent children. It is only for the children we must keep alcohol. Once you get your driver’s license, you will lose that privilege. If you have a child before you are eligible for a driver’s license, you have bigger problems than alcohol.

Sure, you may ask, what about wine and other alcoholic beverages that are essential to religious rites and rituals?

This leads us to the next and last step of our action plan…

5. Prohibition of Religion

Sure, there are the usual arguments that more wars have been fought and more blood spilt over religion than any other cause. Sure, there have been thousands of years of religious hegemony and persecution. Sure, most bigotry is justified by pious villains who interpret passages from a poorly conceived, antiquated document that is so unpopular that its followers have taken to planting it in hotel rooms in the event someone might mistake it for the local phone book and make off with it.

These are not the reasons God must die. Religion must be prohibited because devotion to God by its very nature, means letting go and placing yourself entirely in God’s hands. This is the very opposite of personal responsibility. George Bush would be personally responsible for two illegitimate wars… if God didn’t tell him he needed to do it.

And by the way, if you’re looking for absolution from someone who is in no way a participant in your “sin,” you’re looking in the wrong place. Personal responsibility is supposed to be personal.

If you don't agree with me, let me hear it or kill yourself and let me read about it. Peace.