Sunday, January 3, 2010

Coming Attractions: The Future of Ill Will


Over the course of the next several weeks, I will be engaged in two separate and unrelated series of articles.  Because I cannot concentrate on one subject, I will be alternating between the two which I believe are entirely unrelated. 


1. They Don’t Make ‘em Like They Used To
On the Sundance Channel, there was a show called “Iconoclasts” in which a camera crew followed around a movie star/celebrity, who followed around an older movie star/celebrity that inspired the former movie star/celebrity.    Robert Redford followed Paul Newman, Rene Zellweger followed Christine Amanpour, and Ren followed Stimpy.  I’ve never seen the show and I’m not even clear if the show is still on TV. 
What I am starting is something quite different.  We are all influenced by people we’ve seen or read about, or by people who have told us about someone they’ve seen or read about.  There’s no getting around it.  Every one of us is a copy of a copy of a copy, diluted and combined with other impressions from other copies.  Sometimes we resemble our progenitors greatly and sometimes we resemble our progenitors waaaaay too greatly.  Basically, sometimes we emulate naturally and sometimes we steal.
I may be stealing the concept of “Iconoclasts” from the Sundance Channel, but I believe I’ll be making it more interesting.   The “Iconoclasts” of the previous generation will be contrasted with the, for lack of a better term, “Hacks” of our generation.  Every article will focus on current persons and how they have stolen, misused and misunderstood the people they endeavor to emulate, and/or the people they hope we don’t remember.
For example, there is a famous Radio/TV talk show host on Fox News who may be actually stealing show biz concepts from a Bishop of the Archdiocese of New York who died thirty years ago.  Can you see where this is going?
If you have any ideas for subjects, I’m game.  Send ‘em on over. 


2. Stealing Can Be Fun!
In this period of economic recession/depression/free-falling panic, we all need some help.  Most of us seek help through the power of God, alcohol or meaningless sex.  The rest of us know better – we seek money.
You may be tempted to steal a Mars Bar at the 7-11 or a nice sweater from Lord & Taylor.  You may pad your expense account or be so bold as to take some cash right from the till.  Well, that’s chump change.  You ought to know better.  You ought to know how to steal… for real.
There are many large corporations that cannot account for all of their funds at a specific point in time.  Those who embezzle funds from their companies, large and small, are usually caught.  After all, if you’re stealing AND counting on that pension to get you through your old age, you’re probably stretching yourself a little thin.   Never mind that, these days most companies don’t have the cash for you to steal, and they’re looking for any reason to can you like a dollop of bad bisque.
You need to start thinking bigger, as in bigger government.  What better company to steal from than the company that steals from you?  And they print their own money!  Name another company that does that.
You can take advantage of so many departments and programs, and the last administration worked so tirelessly to rid the government of any of those pesky oversight positions.  Now, with the latest stimulus cash infusion, it’s time to reap that sinful apple from the overflowing tree of institutional incompetence. 
There used to be a guy in glasses dressed in a book costume who sold you a pamphlet that listed all kinds of government programs.  I killed that guy.  He’s dead.  I burned his costume and donated his glasses to the poor.  All he did was sell you a pamphlet.  That won’t tell you anything.
Every article here will be a step-by-step instructional manual featuring the many ways to strip, defraud, bamboozle, drain, and shanghai local, state and federal government funds.  I hope the articles amuse you as they fill your pockets up with cash. 
*             *             *
I know you’re going to love these series – all six of you.  If you do, tell your friends.  If not, tell NO ONE.

2 comments:

BellaGroove said...

Matthew Lesko is alive and well. I saw him at a cafe in Silver Spring, a while back. He actually wears the zany suit with the question marks on it. We chatted once I asked him the question..."Are you the guy from the tv ads?" and he then asked me out on a date. Kee Kee is my witness.

Obviously, I did not date him, ergo, I did not get the secrets for mulah overflowing out of my pockets!

Jeremy said...

Don't contradict me when I'm trying to be funny. When I say he's dead, he's dead.