We Do Not Want You Here

As politically correct as I like to think I am, there are certain types of people that I just can’t abide. They come from a region that is known as lawless and corrupt, rife with all kinds of gambling, prostitution and drug dealing. They come to this area, and yes, some of them work hard and deserve the benefits of our other residents, but frankly -- and let’s not kid ourselves -- some of them are just scum and we shouldn’t allow them here.

Cases in Point:

    1. Luis Vasquez, 31 and Axel Rodriguez, 23

        These two men came to Staten Island and skimmed almost $30,000 from different
        merchants along their armored car route. It’s sad to see this kind of crime being
        committed against local business owners with employees who work hard to earn the
        money that these people are brazen enough to steal.

    2. Elio Pintado, 37

        Another prime example of the filth these people our neighbors to the South produce.
        This one played “hide-the-pinky” with a seven year-old at a movie theater. He did it
        before and now he’s done it again. Just like the other two born criminals, he came
        over the border with no resistance just to commit this horrible crime.

And they’re not alone… scores of them come over the border every day and commit all kinds of crimes – murder, rape, driving under the influence, littering… but you know all about it.

Question: Do we need these people to commit another crime before we act on something we already know to be true?

Hey, I’m a pretty liberal guy, but even I can see that these people don’t belong here. Given the same rights of every other resident – residents who actually pay taxes here – these people abuse our lax borders and easy access to the goods and services this area provides. They are not to be trusted and their movements here need to be closely monitored.

You know who I’m talking about? That’s right. I’m talking about… people from New Jersey.

I live in a small New York border town. I can spit and hit New Jersey, or as I like to call it, the "Smells-Like-Ass" State. Everything that is evil comes from New Jersey, including the mafia and Donald Trump.

OK, some of you might have family and friends in New Jersey, and that is fine. I’m sure your friends aren’t killers or in some horrible rock band that should have been put to pasture twenty years ago -- but they know to stay on their side of the border, don’t they?

We just have to be able to control who comes in and out. It’s a different culture down there. They don’t share our values. They barely share a language. Have you ever heard them talk? It’s a goddamn travesty.

Hey, I’m not saying New Jersey is all bad. After all, there isn’t a better place to go to get gas. It’s cheaper there than anywhere else in the Northeast. And unlike here, they don’t charge sales tax on clothes. See, I’m no bigot. I appreciate what our neighbors to the South have to offer.

But what we need to do is build a wall from Palisades to Port Jervis. A big wall. If we can get some of that stimulus money, I’d bet we could build a wall so big it will make the Great Wall of China look like the right field fence at a little league ballpark.

Yeah, we need a big wall -- a wall that will keep us safe from those savages from New Brunswick and the Hun from Hoboken. I want a wall so fucking big, we can see it from space. And when aliens from another planet finally become aware of us and decide to land at Newark Airport (obviously), they’ll have to marvel at our wall-related ingenuity as their hover-vehicles are meticulously stripped apart for contraband at the border crossing in Northvale. 

That’s right. After the wall is built, we’ll be OK. Until then, I’ll be in the woods in Warwick with my .22 hunting for guys in gym suits -- in a killing way, not a gay way.